This is a legitimately fine poem. I say so with my BA in English and Philosophy and my PhD. It’s DAMN HARD to write something like this. Be impressed, yo.
Transcript of poem in screenshot:
First the cracker batter baker bakes a cracker batter batch then the cracker batter mixer door will open and unlatch so the batter mixer nozzle can descend onto the patch where the cracker batter spreads out for the nozzle to attach.
When the cracker mixer nozzle sprays the cracker batter spray and the cracker batch emulsion lies a-soaking in its haze then the cracker batter mixer starts to stir up all the glaze that the final cracker stacker needs to lubricate the way.
Once the cracker stacker handle stacks the cracker batter squares then the cracker batter’s hardened into double stacks of pairs. Now the cracker separator breaks the crackers in the stackers so the wrappers on the stackers fit the finished stacking crackers.
Then they’re distributed to Wal-Mart.
I forgot about this magnificent poem, and you probably did too. Here it is again.
I highly recommend trying to read it aloud, it feels delightful and is almost impossible.
I love it when people ask shit like “Which world would you rather live in? Star Trek or Star Wars?” When like, Star Trek takes place in a world where mankind has erradicated diseases and war and explore space to make contact with new civilizations, and in Star Wars everything is old and dusty and every 20 years a new angry white man murders half the galaxy.
I did an experiment. I went to our local grocery store and I apologized to every person I walked past. “Ope! Sorry!”
And every single person said, “Oh no, you’re fine!”
Nobody asked me what I was sorry for. It was just kind of assumed that I was sorry for existing, and if that isn’t the most midwestern thing I’ve ever heard of, I don’t know what is.
We’re just assuming that whatever it is you “did” we didn’t feel/notice so of course it’s fine, we’re fine cause you’re fine so everyone is fine…?
who is old enough to be part of the fanfic.net era where we literally talked to our characters? like, had conversations with them?
cause I do. as a lonely child of 12 who had no friends, it was a favorite pasttime of mine to boot up the dial-up internet and type out imaginary conversations with ouran high school host club characters in the beginning notes before even starting the damn chapter (which was inevitably 500 words long and absolutely awful)
Modern Author’s Note on Ao3: might discuss some possible triggers, thank readers for comments, apologize for a delay in update, etc–talking to reader, essentially.
Author’s Note on FFN back in 2010:
Author: Y’all are gonna love this cahpter!!!! [Character] not sooooo much
Character:…wh–what’s gonna happen?
Author: Don’t worry about it! ^.^
Character: WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME??
Author: ;)
Character: D:
those were dark, dark days, man. Today’s Fandom Freshman are sure lucky they missed this.
This when right alongside the detailed disclaimers to avoid lawsuits.
Don’t forget that the author was broken into at least five separate voices, ‘Inside Out’ style.
or where you would have ask blogs for your ocs except it was just in a ff.net story. basically an entire classic authors note except people would ask questions. that was my childhood.
Y'all forgot that sometimes we also appeared in the middle of the text with notes like “(author: noooo >:( character is such a b*tch!!!! character: I’M NOT!!!!)” And it was the crimgiest shit ever but we had fun doing it lmao
I still do the disclaimers because I have fun with them. >;)
A/N in the middle of stories god i don’t miss that at all
I don’t even know. It’s from a book about languages my friend’s been reading. (it’s creepy that I can understand it …)
It was actually invented with that purpose: anyone who spoke any European language should be able to understand esperanto. It was meant to be a lingua franca.
STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING Y’ALL AND TELL ME IF YOU UNDERSTAND THIS
I,understand about a half of it, I speak some dutch
“What Happened? Did your computer catch a virus? Did you suddenly develop BSE [mad cow disease]?”
Between German, English, Latin, a bit of French, Dutch, Spanish and Italian that was actually pretty readable to me.
I speak English and a very little spanish, and I can read it.
I only speak two languages (English and Spanish) and I got this loud and clear
I just wanted to clarify a few things; the language in the image is actually Europanto (as seen at the top of the image), not Esperanto! Europanto was created with no actual rules, whereas Esperanto was actually constructed. Both are cool!
A while ago, someone came up with the theory that Dumbledore had a horcrux - Fawkes. The SuperCarlinBrothers talked about this theory before being bluntly shot down by J.K. Rowling.
But the joke’s on you, Jo. I was already torn apart by you when you said that all disabilities in your world would be “fixed” or “overridden.” You can’t hurt me anymore! Haha! I’m as immortal as Harry!
“Wait, as immortal as Harry?”
What do I mean?
Well, I’ll tell you!
I think that the original theory was onto something. I think that Fawkes was a horcrux. But I don’t think he was Dumbledore’s horcrux. No, no…
I think that Fawkes was Harry’s horcrux.
Now, before I begin, note that this is just a theory and that it’s midnight, I’m tired, and there’s a good chance that I might not get everything right. But I’m going to try. I await your many many many messages in my inbox to explain why certain things I bring up can or cannot work.
First of all, let’s get the shakiest part of this theory out of the way. The prophecy. The prophecy has always confused me but I’m pretty sure it can still fit into this theory. I’m just not exactly sure how. Again, I’m tired. So let’s just assume that the prophecy fits perfectly.
And here we go…
To repeat: I think that Fawkes was Harry’s horcrux.
A horcrux, of course, being an object in which a person stores a minuscule piece of their soul which keeps them alive.
And I believe that Harry has unknowingly stored a piece of his soul in Fawkes.
And I know what you’re thinking.
“Ah, marauders4evr, you truly are tired. Don’t you know that you have to kill someone in order to create a horcrux?”
I do know that.
“Little tiny innocent Harry Potter is a pure cinnamon roll too good for this world. Surely he has never-”
Ahahahahahahaha.
Remember that time little tiny innocent Harry Potter stabbed a gigantic snake?
I do!
And I think that after he does this, a little piece of his soul jumped ship, merging with Fawkes’ soul. After all, Fawkes had landed on his arm in order to cry Harry back to life.
“No, wait, no. J.K. Rowling said it herself - in order to create a horcrux, you have to perform a ritual so disgusting that her editor nearly vomited when hearing about it.”
Clearly her editor has never read fanfiction but I digress.
It is true that usually some big dark ritual is performed in order to create a horcrux.
Except for one occasion.
It’s widely accepted that the reason why Harry became a horcrux is because Voldemort’s soul was so splintered (from the amount of horcruxes that he created) that a piece of it just broke off and went into this child.
“So, wait, Harry’s soul was splintered?”
Well it certainly wasn’t stable. You’ve got two souls that have been suddenly fused together faster than Ruby and Sapphire. And we know that Harry’s soul has always been unstable. That’s why the Dementors affected him more. That’s why he kept having weird dreams wherein he saw into Voldemort’s mind. That’s why his scar hurt whenever Voldemort was nearby or angry or existing or…you know that part was never clear. But the point is that we know that Harry’s soul is corrupted. So much so that I think it’s safe to say that it’s splintered, splintered enough that after murdering a snake in cold-blood, a part of it flies off and attaches to Fawkes.
“Okay, marauders4evr, take it easy. If Harry’s soul was so splintered that a piece of it could break off after he murdered someone without the need for the dark ritual, then why wasn’t a horcrux created when he burned Quirrell to death hmmm?”
Okay first of all…why doesn’t anyone ever talk about the fact that Harry straight up killed his professor? I mean it was in self-defense but still…you think anyone would talk about that but they don’t, not in canon or in the fandom. But I digress.
Who’s to say that Harry didn’t accidentally create a horcrux after killing Quirrell?
“Okay, now you’re full of it.”
Probably but hear me out.
What if a little tiny piece of Harry’s splintered soul did break off and go into an object in the room? Maybe an object he was holding like…
…oh snap.
Yep. If you want, you could also argue that the Philosopher’s Stone was briefly a horcrux. I say briefly because Albus Dumbledore states outright that Nicolas and Perenelle destroyed it. (Note: Not the Nicolas and Perenelle from my books, although wouldn’t that be an interesting twist?)
So the Philosopher’s Stone is gone. Kaput. Which means so is that little tiny piece of Harry’s soul. Which stinks. But it’s not really relevant to this theory, it just provides a safety net for lingering questions.
But I digress…
I think that Fawkes is Harry’s horcrux. Which explains why Harry seems to be drawn to him so many times in future books. The others seem comforted by his songs but Harry has always had a genuine connection with him which isn’t really explained. What if this is that connection? Two souls reaching out to one another, causing a subconscious connection?
“Okay so Fawkes is Harry’s horcrux. What does that mean?”
That means that if Harry were to say, walk into the Forbidden Forest to stare Voldemort straight in the eye and accept his fate…
He would come back.
Because really, it’s never explained how Harry comes back. There have been a few feeble guesses. This is mine.
The reason why Harry came back is because he couldn’t die because a piece of his soul was in Fawkes.
As long as Fawkes is alive, Harry cannot ever truly die.
“Wait a minute…Fawkes is always alive.”
And now you see the best part of the theory!
No matter how much Fawkes dies, he always comes back. Fascinating creatures, phoenixes.
Fawkes can never die. Which means, if you believe in this theory, that neither can Harry.
Which means that Harry can never die.
Which means that Harry Potter will always be The Boy Who Lived.
And really, what better way to symbolize his eternal life than a phoenix? It’s literally the representation of Harry - someone who ‘dies’ multiple times but always comes back. Harry and Fawkes. The Ones Who Lived.
Yo. Just another Tumblr person.Real Name's Alexa, but since I've had this username forever, feel free to call me either that or El.Meh. Have fun reading my blog!!
